


i love you & i don't want to

by thisisfreaky



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Complicated Relationships, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Mild Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:41:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28329879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thisisfreaky/pseuds/thisisfreaky
Summary: "Billy wanted to mean it so badly. He wanted to claw all the memories of Steve out of his head and stomp on them til they bled. Not wanting or loving him would make him feel less scattered. This wasn’t California and they weren’t free enough. The shackles of this shitty small town would never let them be."
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	i love you & i don't want to

**Author's Note:**

> happy holidays folks (no matter what y'all celebrate), here's some angst. also remember that the pandemic isn't over & nor is the fight against fascism. so remember to continue to redistribute funds, donate & so on.

Tears stung Billy’s eyes as he watched Steve make out with some bitch named Tommy Thompson. _Fucking asshole. He made me feel…_ Billy blamed himself for being so vulnerable in the first place. This was his one shot to pretend to be normal, to act like California was scraped from his brain. Neil made it clear that one wrong move would cost him. Billy knew what that meant and still he got involved with the prettiest boy in Hawkins. The rich asshole who wears expensive cologne, clean Nikes, and has eyes like Bambi.

Billy wiped the tears away with the back of hand, just to keep people from _seeing him_. He had to maintain his image in Hawkins. Bad boy. Womanizer. Life of the party. He had a clear view of Harrington and was waiting for him to notice. _Look at me you preppy bitch_. Of course when Harrington did notice him there was a smug look on his face. This game they played was so dangerous, but only for Billy.  
  
  
  
He couldn’t be there anymore. Not with Harrington staring at him like _hah I got you_. It made Billy feel so goddamn sick inside. Billy turned around and pushed through the crowd of sweaty teens that were too drunk to care. And the moment he made it to the drinks table he sloppily poured a shot of cheap vodka. It wasn’t smooth going down. Nothing ever was. Billy contemplated swipping the bottle and taking it home with him. Only to stop himself because he’d probably end up drinking and crashing his fucking car.

  
  
And if he didn’t die then Neil would sure as hell kill him. Not for ruining the Camaro but for making a spectacle and embarrassing him. 

  
  


With a sigh he made his way out of whoever’s house it was and lit a smoke the moment he tasted fresh air. Billy felt like he’d been gutted it wasn’t because of the drink. Seeing Harrington kiss that girl felt like a knife was being twisted inside his gut. Suddenly his cigarette was being pulled away from his fingers and there was Harrington. Billy didn’t bother asking for it back, not like it would matter, Harrington took what he wanted. King Steve always got what he wanted.  
  
  
  
Billy went to move and felt fingers gripping his arms. “Let me go, Harrington.”  
  
  
  
”I don’t think so, we need to talk and I need to finish _my_ cigarette. Also I know for a fact that you drank before you came out here. So you shouldn’t be getting behind the wheel. Right?” Harrington had an amused tone to his voice. Everything was always some fucking game.  
  
  
  
”Why do you care?”  
  
  
  
”I don’t wanna hear about you wrapping your precious car around a pole from Chief Hopper. Quite frankly I think that’d be some of the worst news of my life.”  
  
  
  
Billy couldn’t help but laugh at how that sounded like absolute bullshit. “C’mon King Steve. You’d find someone else to _take care of you_ in no time. I’m sure there are plenty of girls waiting to get on their knees.”  
  
  
  
”You already why I have to do what I do. I can’t have people thinkin’ that I’m -”  
  
  
  
”Queer. Yeah, I know. But do you think I deserve to see you making out with some girl you don’t even like? You fuckin’ smiled at me. You’ve made this into some game and I ain’t playin’ anymore, man.”  
  


  
”What the hell does that even mean?” Steve scoffed and crossed his arms. “That mean you’re just done with me? I can barely believe you mean it.”  
  
  
  
Billy wanted to mean it so badly. He wanted to claw all the memories of Steve out of his head and stomp on them til they bled. Not wanting or loving him would make him feel scattered. This wasn’t California and they weren’t free enough. The shackles of this shitty small town would never let them be. All he could see was look at Steve and start walking away. Which didn’t work because Steve was suddenly grabbing him to pull him to a secure area.  
  
  
  
His body and mind weren’t resisting it either. This is what they did. Billy felt his back hit a tree and Steve got in close. He could smell the liquor on Steve’s breath but it didn’t feel like a drunken decision. Their lips were barely touching and Billy held back from connecting first.  
  
  
  
_Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck -_ _  
_  
  
  
The look on Steve’s face was like he knew Billy was losing this battle. _It’s always some sort of game with him.  
  
__  
__  
_ ”Tell me not to and I won’t. I’ll try to stay away from you. But I don’t think that’s what you really want,” Steve whispered and let their lips brush just slightly. “I’ll give you to the count of 3. One, two -”  
  
  
Billy closed his eyes when he said the word and that’s when Steve pulled them together. The kiss was dizzying just it always was. Made Billy feel like when he was riding a ride back in California. He remembered his mom warning him that he may puke. And he didn’t care because he was spending time with her. Billy wasn’t afraid of the shitty feeling he’d experience afterwards. Being near her was enough to bring him comfort. He supposed that was how it was with Steve too.  
  
  
Their kiss deepened and Steve moaned into his mouth just loud enough for only them to hear. Billy felt Steve harden against his leg like it was their first time again. He hiked his leg up and Steve held it. The grip on it was painfully hard but Billy didn’t tell Steve to lessen it. They started grinding against each other and Billy wished they were anywhere else but outside. Anybody could see them grinding on each other. Then it would really be over. Over for the both of them.

  
  


And just as it was getting good, voices from not too far away startled them both. Steve let go of Billy’s leg, causing him to stumble. He gave him an apologetic look and wiped his mouth. Billy fixed his clothes then looked anywhere but Steve to keep himself steady.  
  
  
  
”You know I love you, right? I fuckin’ hate that I do. In California there was only one person who I ever said that to. And then I never saw him again ‘cause - well my dad made sure of that. He treated me better, the guy in California, I didn’t really question it when he said it back. With you I’d question it and that’s what hurts.”  
  
  
  
”Billy -”  
  
  
  
”No, Steve, you’re gonna listen to this. I can’t keep giving and giving like some desperate bitch. All I ever do is give and get barely anything back. It’s bullshit. You treat this like a game and it’s just bullshit.” Billy sucked in a breath and shook his head. “Am I just a game to you?”  
  
  
  
Steve shook his head and the corner of his mouth twitched. ”No, you’re not.”  
  
  
  
”That’s all you have to say?”  
  
  
  
”If I said what I wanted to say you’d probably question that. So forget it. I’m gonna head back inside. I’ll see you around.”  
  
  
  
Billy watched Steve turn around and head back towards the house. He didn’t even spare a glance backwards. And Billy just wanted to scream about it. He needed to. Maybe he’d find the release when he finally laid down to sleep later. Maybe he’d give his pillows some hell.

  
  



End file.
